ok so posted on the 3rd that i was sick with suspected flu...but things got much worse...

so i woke up on the 4th, my ears killing me, still congested, hard to breathe etc. later on the 4th my right ear drum burst in an effort to relieve some of the pressure building inside my head. fluid came pouring out but it didnt look/smell infected. temp got higher. made an appointment for the following day with a doc here in gboro. hacked up some pretty nasty junk.

5th- went to the doc who swabbed my nose and throat, told me well its not flu nor strep throat (i could barely speak by this time) she gave me an rx for some antibiotics and sent me on my way. picked it up, more fluid drained, temp got higher. hacked up even nastier junk

6th- woke up pretty much the same, except it was now harder to breathe and i'd started to wheeze. 'its ok', i thought. 'i've only had one day of antibiotics. it'll get better.' kept to the apt. took care of dog. exhausted from not sleeping/breathing well. hacked up the nastiest junk yet, now bloody

7th- woke up barely able to breathe. thought 'ok today might not be so great.' took all the energy i had just to take care of the dog. i was so winded by getting up from the couch that i decided i should really go to the er. i couldn't speak at all by this point so i brought a pad of post-its with me so i could communicate w/ the doctors. fed mimi and left around 8:30pm. i figured they'd give me a breathing treatment, maybe an rx for an inhaler and send me on my way....boy was i wrong



thursday the 12th. after feeling MUCH better and a new chest xray i thought i'd be going 'home'... uh no. they said well even though my symptoms were better that by the xray things had gotten worse. a cat scan later showed things were ok. fought more w/ people over home care. they said if i stayed one more day i could probably go 'home' with oral antibiotics and not need home care. so i stayed till friday. they took out the pic line, bandaged me up and sent me 'home.' (home is in quotations because 'home' isnt home without mimi. this was the longest i had ever been away from her. ever.) so first things first i went and got my hair washed and cut. i was not allowed to take a shower in the hospital because of the pic line and couldnt wash my hair. a sink shower only does so much ya know? so the lady was super nice and scrubbed my head twice. felt so much better. got medicine, did dishes/took out trash etc. had to take lots of breaks from getting so winded. went up to lburg sunday.

had doctors apts and a check up. my lungs are still a bit crackly but much better. they took blood to try to figure out the anemia, and my blood pressure is back to normal. came back to gboro today.

moral of the story: do NOT listen to someone when they tell you 'no dont go to the er. they wont be able to help you' especially if this person is your mother

today i woke up sick. not 'oh i have a little sniffle i'll be fine' sick, but 'omg please kill me now' sick. my temperature 5 mins ago was 100.5 so tomorrow i get to either try to get an appointment with a regular doctor or go to the er. taking bets now!

so my ribs are fine as long as i dont move. but laying down/getting up out of bed is so painful i thought i was gonna throw up. i was debating which side of the bed would be easier to clean up but luckily i didnt actually hurl. not saying that wont happen later

wish me luck- i need it

so lets catch up shall we?

still no job. very very broke. having to adjust my meds due to worsening depression, etc. the job situation is bad everywhere. here its bad enough but the brand new dell factory, which opened last year sometime i think, is completely shutting down so thats another 1000 people flooding the ever-deepening job pool. things could be much worse i know so even if they are bad at the moment, i still have a roof over my head, bills are still paid and until it gets to where we can't afford my medicines, numerous and expensive, i should shush.

my 25th b-day was last friday. i got many well wishes via facebook, most from people who i hadnt seen or in some cases spoken to in a very long time. and while i know facebook reminded all the people 'hey aarin's bday approacheth' they weren't forced into wishing me a happy one ya know? it was nice to know people still care. i didnt really celebrate per say, i went to ruby tuesdays (salad bar=yum)and then worked on my costume for a halloween party for the next day. i went as an autumn faerie. red wig, orange shirt, orange sparkly wings, skirt made of red and yellow leaves.

the 'party' was a pagan ritual followed by a party celebrating samhain. it was the first time in a long time that i'd gone out or done anything pagan-y and i really needed it. the ritual was good, and there was food and games. towards the end of the evening i needed to get going so i could get back to take care of her divalicious majesty. i had been standing for about 2 hours outside as there wasnt really a place to sit and i was chatting with people and playing games. keep in mind that because of the foot issue i'm not supposed to be walking/standing anymore than is necessary. my legs hurt a little but i didnt think anything of it. so as i was walkin up a flight of stairs disaster struck. wet stairs+dead leaves+standing too long+no traction on my stupid orthopaedic shoes= me slipping and falling down the stairs. i jammed my ribs on the stairs, my head knocked back, then my legs got caught in the railing as my body rolled down the stairs. i ended up upside-down diagonally on the stairs. it could've been much worse, i ouldve snapped my neck. i got back ok and slept.

pain wise, yesterday sucked. my thighs were really sore making it very painful to sit down or walk (standing up isnt too bad) my shoulders hurt but mostly the right one and i'm sure i bruised my right side ribs. today however hurt waaaaaay more than yesterday. the only thing that feels better since yesterday is my left shoulder. my thighs and ribs are killing me >_< i'll get over it, i just get grumpy and whiney when i'm in pain

so several people pointed out i rarely post anymore whereas i used to post at least once a day. i havent posted because there's been no improvements to my life, only more crap so i didnt think ya'll would wanna know about them

i guess since my last post was in june i'll start there...( surgery drama )

( computer drama )


( computer chair drama )

the dog is fine. nothing new to report there. her divalicious majesty is spoiled rotten on a daily basis and thats the way (uh huh uh huh) she likes it. other than that i'm looking for a job but no one wants to hire a crippled chick with no previous job experience regardless of if i'm qualified (or in most cases over-qualified)

today started off ok. i had to take mimi to get vaccinations and have her checked cuz i thought she might have pigmentary keritis. before we left i gave her a benedryl just in case. so we got there and weighed her (19.3lbs) checked for pk and the doc said she didnt have it. gave her distemper shot and bordatella vacc up the nose. the vet noticed a discrepancy in muscle mass between her bak legs and i felt it. the right leg had much less muscle than the left. the doc asked if maybe she was injured at some point but she hadnt to my knowledge. she said she didnt think it was a lux pat but just to remember she had muscle difference.then i got her nails dremeled and we came home. upon arriving home i noticed her eye was a little puffy but i though she mighta just scratched her face and freshly dremeled nails may have caught her cheek. no biggie

that is until she hopped up on me and fell asleep. she NEVER does this and i noticed her breathing was shallow so i made her get off me and sure enough her face had puffed up. so back to the vet we went. at that point they put in a catheter and gave her a huge steroid dose which took over an hour to start working. she then came in and told me the other vet was able to luxate the patella and mimi has been in pain for a while. i nearly broke own. i would rather have needles jammed into my eyes than know mimi has been in pain for even an hour. so theres a school just up the road but the surgery will cost $1200 so i think i'm gonna have to put off the gastric bypass i've been fighting for 2 years to get cuz i'm not letting mimi be in any pain.

mimi will be spending the night at the e-vet because the last reaction she had (which we thought was to lepto vaccine) flared up and we had to take her to the e-vet. so its cheaper to just keep her at the event than rush her back later tonight. so today we learned by the process of elimination she's allergic to distemper, bordatella or both. maybe even still the lepto. she has a luxating patella and needs surgery and i'm a horrible owner for not noticing she was having difficulty. the end

an update on my rny drama: so the docs up there are quite fond of saying one thing then meaning something completely different and expecting me to know what they really mean instead of what they actually say. 2 examples: the psychologist called me LAST SEPTEMBER to say she felt i'd put n enough work to be ready for surgery. she said "ok i'm going to sign off on your case. your insurance might want you to see me again since its been over a year since i saw you last. i'll make some calls and if there is any problem i'll call you." what she actually meant was ' i'm not signing off on your case and i'm not going to call you at all to let you know anything so you only find out 7 months later that you should have called me months ago.'

the other example is the surgeon saying 'ok. we will go ahead and give you a surgery date but you must come in 2 weeks before and be 305lbs or less. if you arent we wil cancel surgery.' what he actually meant was 'we arent giving you any dates for anything. go home, lose the weight then call us when you are at 305." i dont work well with open ended things. i need specific dates and times, i need the pressure to accomplish things. i've always been like that.

so needless to say i'm not a happy camper. i'm also having horrible medication troubles. one of my medicines, for bipolar, has been changed to extended release.when i started this med my insurance so my doc graciously gave me samples every month so i wouldnt have to pay $500 for a 30 day supply. last month the company stopped distributing samples of the regular kind and only gave extended release. this totally screwed me up. it was bad ya'll. so i called my insurance and they said oh we cover that med now. great i thought, but i get to the pharmacy and even with insurance its still $180 for 30 days and financially i cant handle that. with insulin and all my other meds we probably pay $250 as it is. and we struggle to pay that. i'm horribly worried because i know extended release stuff doesnt work right post rny so i'm debating whether to try to stabilize on the extended release med or try to switch to something cheaper for pre and post op. the thing is that there is no other med like the one i'm on. there are other meds for bipolar but none of them work the same way as this medicine. frustration sucks

so last night i scalded my hand on hot soup. the paper plates i used werent quite as strong as i thought. then today i made a protein drink as my breakfast, trying to be a good girl, then slipped n my bedroom splashing the drink all over my computer chair. luckily the chair took the brunt of it and my actual computer only had minor splatters which i ceaned up first then the chair. when i slipped i landed on m knee and i sa blood on the floor so i assumed it was from m knee. WRONG. it was in fact from a gigantic gash on the underside of my right foot right where my big toe meets the actual foot. great. i just got the ulcer healed up on that foot a few months ago and now i have a big gash to contend with. this is so not fair

at this point i'v cleaned it and bandaged it. if it bleeds thru the bandage then i'm going to have to go to the er and get stitches. hopefully it doesnt need stitches which my mom said they may not even be able to do stitches because of its location.

every time i think i'm back on track something like thiss happens. not cool universe, not cool at all

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.

B) Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you. I tag:
well i might not make it to 8 but here goes...
madjulyin
skypi
sapphira_altair
queen_of_dorks
sooper
stephie1973
xosteve


1. make a list of 5 things you can see without getting up:
my cell, mini desk fan, box of protein bars, hair clips, ms a knife

2. how do you style your hair?
combed with a part on the right, spiked in the back but more often its just smushed under a bandana

3. what are you wearing now?
red and black striped shirt, undies, socks

4. what's your occupation?
I no haz job. Having lumpy feet kinda prevents working right now

5. do you nap a lot?
I am incapable of napping which makes sense considering I need massive doses of sedatives at night to get to sleep at all

6. What's your new favorite song?
uh I like that love story song by taylor swift

7. what's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
uh trying to find tasty protein drink recipes since hopefully I’ll be having my bypass soon…oh and anime-doubt that’ll ever die

8. what was the last thing you ate today?
popcorn, right now actually

9. what was your favorite child hood toy?
I was a hard core Barbie fanatic, so much so that I hand sewed elaborate ballgowns. That lasted till about 6th grade

10. what websites do you always visit when you go online?
Usually in this order: livejournal, aol for news and mail, okcupid, myspace, pugsdotcom, Sheldon comics, I has a hot dog, 2 pug blogs, gmail (two addy’s) I can has cheeseburger, gaia online. Then I randomly recheck them thru the day.

11. what was the last thing you bought?
uh I picked up a prescription…I guess that counts >_>

12. what are you listening to right now?
law and order svu…halfway watching/listening

13. what do you think about before you go to bed at night?
different things on different days…I hear phrases or words that I’ve heard thru the day too

14. what was the last cd you bought?
like really bought and not downloaded? Jeez that’d be back in highschool

15. what is your favorite weather, and why?
kinda overcast but not really dark, about 65 degrees, an occasional slight breeze

16. if you could play any musical instrument, which one would you play?
I can play several. Oboe, piano, guitar, a small bit of French horn, and my throat (I sing) I’d love to play bass or drums but I don't think I’m coordinated enough for drums

17. if you were sentenced to death for some crime, what would you request as your last meal without any limits on cost?
king crab legs. Mountains and mountains of king crab legs with melted butter

18. what's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
wtf is wrong with people?

19. what's one of your favorite movies?
the court jester staring danny kaye.

lucille, my ultra comfy super awesome ikea desk chair is officially dead. the seat itself is fine but the mechanism for swiveling, tilting, etc is dead. after nearly falling out of it twice yesterday i decided to put it up on my bed and look to see f i could fix whatever the problem was... i found 2 issues, one of which i may have been able to gerry rig but the other was unfixable. its served me quite well, i got it right after i moved in here so winter of 04 it had to be. 4+ years of having a verrrrry heavy girl tilting you every which way will take its toll. and like 3 or 4 days ago lucile was fine but i noticed a lean that wasnt there before. then yesterday it almost threw me on the floor so it'll become another 'horizontal closet' as my dad would say. i have another desk chair but its wooden, uncomfortable and doesnt tilt so i will be ordering a new one. this wooden one will have to suffice till the new one gets here. unfortunately it may take over a week >_< so i may be having to do a weird sit/lay on my bed to compute...thing >_>

ive been up since 5 cuz i cant sleep. if its not one thing its another... like my left foot is acting up (its starting to be affected by the charcot, its starting to lean) by going numb while im trying to get comfy to sleep. or im hot, i think i have a fever cuz i have a cold. or my mouth is hella dry cuz i cant breathe thru my nose. mostly its the hotness i think. i need my room to be cold enough to require curling up in a blanket to sleep. and studies show we have to reduce our body temperatures to even get to sleep in the first place. so i had to turn on my ac tuesday. its fuckin december and i had to turn on my ac. this global warming is ridiculous. i need it to be cold outside. moar coldz plz

guess i'll try to sleep more. mimi has a re-check of her eye today and i have several phonecalls to make and a few errands to run. but i need sleep to do any of that.

so around 7:30 yesterday mimi and i were playing. she ran off to create mischiefs and then ran back to me. immediately i saw her right eye was squinty, and watery. thanks to pugs.com i knew what it was and that it needed immediate treatment so off to the evet we went. 20 or so mins pass after they took her back then they called me back to see the ulcer i knew was already there. it was about the size of a pencil point right in the middle of her right eye. so now i get to put in 1 drop every hour for the next 48 hours then every 4 hours for the next ten days,one drop twice a day for 48 hours possibly longer and give pain medicine every day. some mischief she got into eh? $350 worth. i'm just horribly worried that i wont get the drops in right and that its my fault this all happened though i know it isnt. pugs are prone to these kinds of things afterall.

UPDATE: so we are 24 hours in to our 48 jour window for hourly drops. i've missed a few doses mostly because she was asleep and i needed at least a few hours rest. she seems perfectly fine. she wants to run around and get into stuff like normal. i went and bought extra drops cuz i figure its better to have more than enough than run out in the middle of the night. why would i run out you ask? cuz i've had tons of misses. squirmy lil thngs. im using the distract with food then sneak in the drops method. its working ok i guess

being woken up at 10:30am by stupid men mowing the grass/trimming shrubs is not a good way to start one's birthday

ok so you all know of the whole 'mom selling the house' drama but its been elevated to a new level tonight...

i decided sometime last month that i wanted to move to a bigger apartment. 690sq feet aint cuttin it anymore and for what mom pays for me to live at my current abode i think i can have more space. plus because shes selling the house theres stuff i want and stuff i HAVE to take and right now i dont even have room for 2 more boxes of stuff let alone furniture. i want to be able to enjoy the things i'm taking from the house. i love them and dont want them to rot in storage ya know? my lease is up in january at my current place so i'll be moving then...

mom says tonight that she wont be putting the house on the market till spring since the economy is so bad. this house is such that it cant be left alone for long periods of time especially in extreme weather. when the power goes out here we have no water, without the wood stove the pipes would freeze, etc...so get this- she asked me to move all the way back up here to live alone for months and take care of the house alone.

i cant even walk well somedays and have fallen several times in my apartment, luckily theres been a couch bed or chair to catch me but still, i'm nearly fuckin invalid and she wants me to take care of a 2000+sq foot house, in winter, alone, to "cut costs." thats exactly what she said. she has to 'cut costs' and thought me moving up here would save her enough $$$ to move to ohio faster. when i explained what a hassle it is for me to be here for even a week WITH her help, she still didnt get it. i then went down the list of reasons why i cannot move back. and regardless of how you all feel about my reasons, i'm postin them because i need to. so i'm prepared for flaming saying i'm a bad daughter, i dont care

1. i can barely take care of my apartment, let alone a house more than twice the size
2. my bedroom here is upstairs. even moving everything downstairs i sleep worse here than in greensboro. i dont clean hardly ever and she'd come back to a pigsty.
3. there are already places in my apartment that mimi can get to faster than me. i cant keep this house safe for her and confining her here makes my heart break as it is. with mom here at least i have a backup to get to her quick when i cant. we keep her free as long as possible here.
4. here i'm so isolated if i fall and cant get help it could be quite bad. mom cites that at least there are people in town here who could help. i told her my only friend here is rhianna who has a 5month old and no drivers lisence. i'm just as alone here as i am in greensboro and that all those 'people' here are her friends not mine. i dont want to depend on other people especilly people i'm supposed to trust but dont really know. she even told me on another visit that i need to be more independant and i'm trying to do that but staying here would be a step backward.
5. all i have is my little mini. in the winter if theres any precipitation i'd be stuck up here for days, maybe over a week without a way to get food or medicine in an emergency. with bad weather in greensboro i'd maybe have to wait a day for them to plow the roads. and added to that, i cant haul in firewood when i slip on carpet some days. we get a loooot of ice in the winter up here.
6. i'm not comfortable here. i dont wanna spend my last days with this house alone and bitter. i want to remember the house filled with love and laughter

theres tons of other reasons but i said this to her. "mom, i cannot change this house to suit my needs. i will not be safe here alone. i can't do it"

it didnt turn into a fight because i cited that she made the decision to buy the house in ohio in september, she made the decision to sell this house and wait to put it on the market till spring. when one makes decisions, there are consequences and now she has to deal with them. we left it at that but its taken me over an hour to type this cuz i'm so upset. so goodnight

ok so i came home to va this week so i could go to richmond to see my bariatric surgeon and hopefully get a surg date... of course life had other plans...

i came to lynchburg tuesday and ive had an open wound on my foot since july as some may or may not have known. i've been under the care of a wound specialist the whole time and it was just a sterile open wound. treatment was bandage change everyday along with a cleaning. for nearly two months it was all peachy, until tuesday. i changed my bandage when i woke up and noticed a smell ... now it wasnt very pungent but any diabetic knows foot wound + any smell= infection. i called my mom on the way to lburg and said i may need to go to the mythical land of ER... she scoffed and said "what're they gonna do? give you iv antibiotics and tell you to wait till friday" (i already had an appointment with the wound specialist for friday) i let her talk me out of it because on wednesday i had to drive to richmond for the appointment to decide my surgical fate... wednesday i woke up to change my bandage and take a shower. the smell had magified and i knew it was bad but i had to get to richmond. i bandaged it up, convinced myself it could wait till friday and went to richmond. i downplayed the foot issue while i stayed at my aunts house... woke up thursday to change the bandage and the smell was even worse and now there was obvious infected tissue...how was i gonna side step this enough to get my surg date i though... i'll just make sure the dont schedule me till mid november. that should be plenty of time to get the foot well, no biggie....right?

got to MCV hospital which has valet parking because the bariatric surgeons are located in the ambulatory services building... filled out some paperwork, then they took me back. my weight? 307.4lbs. good, i thought, less than i was a week ago but i knew it wasnt below 300 like the surgeon asked for...maybe i can bargain i thought... a med student came in to ask a buncha stuff since i'm assuming it would be him watching, possibly assisting. as he rifled thru my file for the very first time while in the room with me he asked' so i see here you have a foot condtion..how's that doing?' i have had a charcot foot sice december of 06 due to my diabetes and weight... lying thru my teeth i said,' oh its fine. no changes.' he scribbled something after giving me a funny look... 'oh no, did he catch a whiff of my foot?' i panicked... he asked me to hop up on the exam table and take off my shoe. i tried everything to prevent my secret getiing out. i assured him it was fine, there were no changes, that i had it all bandaged up in a very specific and complicated way and it would be bad to unbandage it....but, he insisted. and so the truth became odiforously apparent. i looked down dejected because i had blatently lied to this man because i want taht surgery so bad... so then the surgeon himself, his asistant, and 2 vascular fellows all chastized me and said they were going to put me in the er...in richmond... i begged to get back to lynchburg, and the only thing that saved me from the richmond er was that i had good pulses in my feet. so i rushed back, in the er from 7:40pm till 1:10am, iv antibiotics and some foot cutting. went and saw the wound guy on friday and had some more cutting and an antibiotics Rx...

the moral? DONT TRY TO LIE TO YOUR SURGEON. bad idea, irresponsible and just all around stupid. i do have a new to do list to get my surg date...
1. foot completely healed, no open wounds
2.current hemoglobin A1C once foot is healed
3. i got a grace 5lbs. get to 305lbs instead of 300lbs

i CAN do this

in other news, mom got up today to take mimi to church... they were doing a blessing of the pets since st francis's something important date was happening (ya'll know i aint catholic so i have no idea) mom said she was a bit scared but no major issues occured... at 8ish tonight i noticed mimi was kinda out of gas, a little tired but she was scratching at her face so it was time for chicken and benedryl... about an hour later she layed down under the table in the dining room to nap... now mimi never sleeps anywhere but in her cage and if we are on a car ride in the front seat. must be the benedryl right? i came upstairs at 10ish and mimi followed. she hopped up on the bed, no biggie. then mom came to ask me a question and i asked her to take mimi back down... here's where it gets weird... she crawls on the bed behind me and curls up next to me on my blanket. mom went back dwown and i thought she'd follow but she didnt. she then nuzzled her head into my arm and went to sleep. i got mimi in march of 06 and shes NEVER done this, ever. she doesnt like being touched while sleeping but for an entire hour she slept curled up in my arms next to me. i had to wake her up at 11:20 to eat dinner and i tried to wake her up but she kept going back to sleep till i said the magic word...kibbles. even then she took a few mins to get up. shes never acted this way before

my mom joked that it was the blessing, that mimi had a spazz demn trapped in her and now its gone...i told mom that i love mimi enough that she is free to have whatever relgious beliefs she wants but that i wasnt getting up early on sundays to take her to mass

i would love to be asleep right now...

ok so i've been battling an ulcer on my charcot foot, i have aninfection in my arm pit thats really deep in the tissue and hurts likewhoa, but i did get good news today. the psychologist on my 'team' forthe bypass finally thinks i've put in enough effort to go ahead andclear me for RNY! took a year, weight loss of 16 or so lbs, getting myhemoglobin a1c down to 7.0 (the lowest its been since i was diagnosedin 1995) and doing all this without the ability to exercise due to thecharcot foot. the only hold up could be my insurance. because i've notseen this lady in a year they may want me to re-test with her beforeaggreeing to pay. hopefully they wont make me because i have beenseeing a regular psych guy once a month for the past year as requestedby this lady. hopefully that will be enough to satisfy the insurancepeople. i'm praying next week i get the call that says 'hey, how do youfeel about having life saving surgery in the end of september?' wish me luck!

its 7:40. i went to bed at 4. woke up at 6:30. drank some water. woke back up at 7:30 wide awake. this is NOT going to be a good day >_<
i wasnt having nightmares, wasnt too hot or too cold....my drippy air conditioner was kind of annoying so i got up and poured out the water, it eas still too loud so i closed the bathroom door (my bathroom has two doors, one connected to my bedroom an one to an itty bitty 'hallway'... if im not back asleep by 11 i think i'll give up and just get up for the day :/

well crazyness w/ mom is still occuring. no matter how many ways i explain how things hurt me and she should wait, all she says is 'i know' and then continues disregarding things. i tried to explain how she needs to wait till this mans divorce is final ( no telling when it will be) because when thw wife finds out ( my mom says they are trying to tone it down but at the same time this guys kids know whats going on-they could totallly slip up and say something to her) when she finds out she could take all his assets and use the kids against them. whatever, when this all blows up in her face i'll console her but in my head know her i told her what could happen.

due to family drama, im having issues just caring to do anything. havent taken my anti depressants/mood stabilizers more than 2 times a week since she told me about the house (labor day) i finally told her 2 weeks ago when i was home about this and that i'd rather die than see someone else live in the house, which is completely true. i've never hurt myself and wouldn't simply because i know people love me but damn, i wish i didnt exist. AND i finally got out of her that to her, this marriage is 43 years overdue. she knew this guy long before my dad, and when i asked why she didnt just marry him first, the ONLY thing she said was "he didnt ask me." then a good 7 seconds later added "and i loved your dad." im convinced my dad was always 2nd place and possibly that my mom could have been cheating at any point with this guy thru my parents almost 30yr marriage (my mom visited ohio at least once a year, every year) in addition to the family drama, and medicine issues i havent had a good nights sleep (though this occured before labor day) and i gained about 10lbs back so now im far from the goal of my bariatric surgeon. since i wont have good insurance once my mom leaves va, i probably now wont be able to afford the surgery i need till it'll be far too late for it to save my life. as it is i now have blood pooling on the bottom of my foot around my lump that i dont know why its there. im not eating well and either have to force myself to eat or try to slow my eating down. i'm ready to just give up. but then, giving up is pretty much where i already am